Saturday, July 01, 2006

Showbiz Darts On The Oche

I think it rather unlikely you ever saw Andy Humphries' Sex Lives of the Potato Men. If I'm right, you're lucky. It's a truly lamentable smudge of a film. Sadly, the two lead actors are very likeable and talented and certainly deserved much more. There's Mackenzie Crook - from The Brothers Grimm, Pirates of the Caribbean and The Office - and Johnny Vegas, seen in such other awful films as The Libertine and Blackball.

Vegas' live stand up, such as it is, seems to be an ongoing work in progress - the work being a drive into manic depression and the progress being an ever tightening spiral. Thankfully, for the audience at least, he is absolutely hilarious.

His latest project - after countless non-starting TV shows - is a piece of light entertainment fluff almost certain to endear him to his widest audience yet. It's been called Showbiz Darts, because that's just what it is and there's nothing else you could really call it. Darts with the Stars, maybe.

A number of British celebrities and semi-celebrities have been lined up. Here's the list of who has been confirmed so far:

Johnny ‘Viva Las’ Vegas
Phil ‘The Cat’ Tufnell
Rowland ‘The Rocket’ Rivron
Vicki ‘Foxy Lady’ Butler-Henderson
Holly ‘The Hell Cat’ Willoughby
Keith ‘Cheggers’ Chegwin
Michael ‘The Mechanic’ Le Veill
James ‘The Major’ Hewitt

That little lot have been receiving their preparatory training in the arrows from professional players Andy 'The Viking' Fordham, and Bobby George - the King of Bling. Bobby George in particular is a genuine Dart-world God, and in his field, a greater celebrity than his new pupils could ever hope to be.

I can't wait for this show, I feel like they invented it just for me. Vegas looks like the early favourite - he has the physique, and perhaps the cultural background. I reckon he smells like a Darts player - both literally and figuratively.

This tasty cake is almost all frosting, but the cherry on top is still missing. I'm hoping they soon announce the commentators, and that the inimitable Sid Waddell is amongst them. I'll leave you with just a sprinkling of twinkling highlights lifted verbatim from his constantly unbelievable commentary.

"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any better than this."

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. [Dart player Eric] Bristow's only 27."

"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich."

"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind."

"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."

"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."

"[Bobby George is] like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain."

"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"

"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."

"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"

Genius. Somebody should sign Sid up for some DVD commentary tracks too - its not as though much of what he says is particularly darts-specific.

1 comment:

Charlie Brigden said...

I remember seeing POTATO MEN. It's impressively repulsive, and safe to say made me swear never to touch a jam sandwich again.